Voice…

If I write:

Louis Armstrong was the first man on the moon.

The sentence is flat. But if I write:

Louis Armstrong was the first chap on the moon.

You immediately know what my voice is. You know what accent to read in. Chap doesn’t say anything new about the great trumpet-playing astronaut, but it says something about me, the writer, and about how I should be read.

Man, woman and person are all dull and give no indication or hint of voice. Here are some alternatives and what I consider to be their implications. (All are British, unless otherwise stated).

Chap = Relaxed, posh
Fellow = Relaxed, middle-class
Bloke = Heading down the social ladder
Gentleman = Not posh at all, I’m probably a waiter in a provincial hotel. I may also be in the closet.
Geezer = Cockney (but nobody actually says this any more)
Guy = So universal as to be almost as insipid as man.
Dude = American, young
Son of a bitch = Welcome to America!
Varmint = Welcome to more frightening parts of America!
American = It’s very strange that Americans will use American as a synonym for human. Only Americans do this. So, by identifying Louis Armstrong as American you are also identifying yourself as such.

Lady = Slight delicacy
Bird = Equivalent of bloke
Filly = I have a moustache, gout, and a bad reputation
Lass = I’m terribly healthy and traditional. I may be into folksongs.
Chick = American male
Broad = Do any Americans still say this?
Dame = Ditto
Chappess = Preposterously good fun
Individual = I’m a prick, or a policeman, or both.
Fucker = Amusing, I suppose.

Your lesson for today is to take a long serious document on Microsoft Word. Go to EDIT, FIND, REPLACE, REPLACE ALL and then change “the” to “the fucking” throughout. It’s great. !!

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